When I was a kid, I was always in search of a book—one that would describe me, or at least one that had similarities with which I could relate. I remember the overwhelming joy I felt when I found a few paragraphs about sexuality in the famous, although denounced in its time, Our Bodies, Ourselves. I was 12.

Earlier this week, I caught myself noticing the slippery sensation of the soap on my hands and I paused. I thought to myself, what could make this moment even more pleasurable? I stood there at the bathroom sink, slowly allowing my fingertips to caress the outside of my hand, then gently switched to my other hand.

Singing out loud and dancing are two of the top things on my Joy List (a list of activities that are certain to bring me pleasure). When I hear certain types of music, like old-time or bluegrass, I feel a powerful urge to get up and dance, which brings me so much joy!

One morning last week, I was standing topless in my closet trying to decide what to wear. As I stood there, my back accidentally brushed across the soft, cool fabric of several blouses hanging in a row. The sensation was completely unexpected and in the past I would have just kept moving. Instead, I paused, took a deep breath, and gave myself permission to get curious and dive deeper into the the experience. ..

On rare occasions, it feels like the last two years have flown by. More often than not, however, time feels like it’s in slow motion—creeping along at a snail’s pace the farther we come from March 2020. Most days I find it difficult to even imagine the way life used to be—full of handshakes, eye contact, and hugs. Last month, in the mountains of New York, I attended my first in-person retreat since before the pandemic. I didn’t realize how much I had been craving that sense community and human connection until I found it again.

Last summer, I had the opportunity to share and be witnessed telling one of the most vulnerable yet healing stories of my life. I was standing in front of my idol, Betty Dodson, and nearly 50 women from across the world at Betty’s 90th birthday retreat. This may sound terrifying—and it was—but it was also a game changer for me.

A space that is completely free of judgment is hard to find and even harder to describe in words. In late July, I spent four and a half glorious days celebrating Betty Dodson’s 90th birthday with her and a group of 44 Bodysex sisters from all over the world. The experience was rejuvenating in ways that I am still discovering. Imagine being in a space where nobody cares what you wear or what you look like or where you come from or whether you are in a relationship or queer or kinky or poly. Anything goes. And I mean anything!

Do you remember a time in your life when you felt totally free? Maybe it was when you were a child and time was limitless, especially on a long summer day. Maybe you’ve felt that way on a vacation or sabbatical. Maybe it was when you finally left an unfulfilling marriage and realized how much possibility the world holds for you and your life. For me, the first time I felt that way was in college when I was studying abroad in Samoa. I was finally free from my home – in the conservative south.

During my last Bodysex workshop, one of the participants had a brilliant idea. We were all talking about how lovely it would be to have more time in the presence of others – comfortable in our nudity, celebrating our bodies, cheering on each other’s orgasms – and the idea of a Bodysex Brunch emerged! I loved the idea and decided to make it a reality.

People ask me why I would want to get naked with a group of strangers. Why I would share my deepest secrets openly with women I’ve never met. How I could possibly explore self pleasure in a room full of women. The answer feels complex; yet when I reflect, it’s really quite simple. In order to experience deep connection and healing, I allow myself to be vulnerable. By sharing my own experiences, my fears, my truth, I become free – free from layers of guilt, healed from years of body shame, and strengthened by hearing others who carry around the same experiences, fears, and secrets as me. We are so much more alike than we ever admit – wanting to feel accepted, concerned about being “too much” of this or “too little” of that. Social media and pop culture alter our perceptions of women – who we “should” be, what we “should” look like, what is acceptable to feel and share and say. The Bodysex workshop is about getting away from that world of judgment.

One of the biggest barriers to great sex stems from anxiety and shame surrounding our bodies. Think about it, if your mind is consumed with thoughts like “my thighs are too big” or “what does my ass look like in this position” or “my vulva is smelly, hairy, deformed” there is no room for you to let go and allow your mind to help you achieve orgasm. And it’s not just about orgasm – poor body image may prevent you from having sex in the first place. Or if you do get that far, maybe you make your partner keep the lights off so you feel less exposed. Or maybe you avoid different positions because of how a body part may appear from a certain angle.

Growing up, my parents consistently instilled strong feminist beliefs. From a very young age, I knew I could do anything – my parents made it very clear that my life trajectory was not limited by my biological sex. One of my biggest motivators in school was ensuring that I never had to depend on a man for financial stability. I quickly applied this to other areas of my life. I didn’t want to be dependent on a man for anything – and certainly not my orgasms.